Christ In Me

"In face of the strong wind, he was afraid and began to sink. So he cried out, "Lord, save me!" - Matthew 14:30

In Galatians 2:19, Saint Paul writes, "it is no longer I who live, but Christ in me." I can't explain to you how I wish I could see myself beaten down and put against every type of adversity, like Paul, and still be able to stay in the peace of the Lord, saying that I have died to my fears, my worries, my insecurities, and my life is lived for and by Christ. Instead, at times I find myself more broken than before, lonelier that before. At times I feel so much like Peter. I want to walk on water towards Jesus, but what I end up doing is perceiving Him to be further away than He is. I only see the huge waves and the rough winds pushing me down, wearing me down. And it hurts that my faith is not as strong as I'd want it to be, or thought it was. Like a lost child, I find myself crying out to God, just like Peter did for the Lord to help my poor little faith. Yet, although I have such a long way to go, I have to remember that I'm on a journey with a beginning, an end, and sooo many bumps and rough patches on the way…it doesn't mean I'll never get there though. On the water, I'm feeling so lost, so helpless and I can't see God because I'm too focused on my fear and the waves around me. I long to be like Paul, beaten, persecuted, hated, and yet so full of joy, full of peace, not alone but in the company of Jesus Christ. No matter what came at him, Paul rejoiced and God made His presence known in Him. But my own faith is weak and I pray that Jesus hears my cry for help and brings me to walk on the water with Him to a place where the storm within me is quiet and I can also say that it is not I who live, but Christ in me.

Today's Prayer:
Lord God, please don't take into account my lack of faith, but the pain it causes me to know that I am not as strong as I thought and that I have let You down. Jesus, just as You raised up Peter, raise me up. Transform me on my journey to walk through the valley of the shadow of death and have You live in me. In Your Name we pray, amen.

Be Vulnerable

"And He said to them, 'My soul is filled with sorrow even to death. Remain here and stay awake with me.'" - Matthew 26:38

I learned something very painful today - the importance of making myself vulnerable. As you may know, I'm taking a course in ministry and the first topic we're learning is called Redemptive Listening. Today was my second class and the teacher made us partner up randomly with someone I never met before and start to tell them something personal about myself, an experience about listening. As I'm talking to this total stranger, that familiar knot emerged in my throat and I had to swallow and try to fight back tears! I don't know about you, but I feel that in today's society, we're taught to suck it up and just deal. We talk to people on a superficial level but our true feelings, our true emotions - the reasons for our happiness, our fears, or insecurities, we keep locked up for no one to access or even know exist. What made me choke up was that I was in a situation in which that person was solely there to listen to me and how I felt - not through emails or IMs, but face to face making eye contact. I realized that I never really do this! I never really communicate with people! Most of the time if we "vent," we spill out what frustrates us and then we say, "ok! Thanks for letting me vent" and then we end there. If we're upset with someone, we give them the silent treatment or try to "get over it." If we get together with people, we laugh and crack jokes, but do we ever discuss our feelings? How many times do we actually sit with someone, someone who is there to only listen to us and not interrupt with stories of their own life, and truly and deeply express our feelings…making it about ourselves at that moment and not about anyone else? This may seem selfish, but we really do need this…we need this to heal and to be healthier emotionally. I had no idea I had some things bottled up like this to the point it made me cry. While you express these things, you become aware of things you didn't even know you felt.

In this verse, Jesus is making Himself extremely vulerable. Right before He was arrested, He went to pray in the garden of Gethsemane and He told His apostles to stay with Him because His soul was filled with sorrow even to death. What does this mean to you? Read between the lines and see that Jesus is actually saying, "please stay with me, I feel lonely, I'm afraid, don't leave me alone." If Jesus, who we are supposed to emulate made Himself vulnerable by expressing His feelings, we need to do the same. And if Jesus, who is also God, couldn't bare to keep His feelings to Himself, no matter how personal and intimate they are, neither should we.

It's so hard to do and right now I'm struggling with it, but when I opened up to that stranger today, the peace and release that came from that was amazing. It's all about the journey, not about immediate results. Sometimes we're looking for God to heal us, but it is also in letting these things out that He brings peace to our hearts. Pray about this and make Jesus your example in being vulnerable.

Today's Prayer:
Lord Jesus, I try to keep what I'm feeling to myself and today You're telling me it's not good for me. Just as You did, I need to be open about my feelings and let others see my vulnerability as much as that scares me. Please be with me and help me through this. Place in my path people that can listen to me, as well as people I can listen to. In Your Name we pray, amen.